David Thayer

Middle Old Parke: The Parks Department has concluded that Klatu, the large robot from Mars, will be treated as a statue or monument and maintained accordingly. “We’re going to polish him up this afternoon,” said Department Chief Medvedev. “It’s time to mow the lawn,” he added. A crew on a John Deere riding mower approached Klatu this morning with mixed results. “We mowed a section of lawn before he vaporized our tractor,” said Sid a city employee. The Mars Lander, parked fifty meters from Klatu,  absorbed the grass cuttings through a hollow tube. “We heard a giant sucking sound,” Sid reported.

You’ve Already Thought About Parking Here: Meter maid Constance believes that the Mars Lander is illegally parked. “I issued a citation yesterday,” she said. “Klatu ate the parking ticket.”

Brief Panic Ensues: Klatu took three steps forward and two steps back during lunch Monday afternoon. Sid had unwrapped his peanut butter and jelly sandwich when Klatu lurched forward. “We ran,” Sid said. “Klatu likes Wonder Bread.”

Hizzoner Ponders Options: The Wellington Leg Towne Council is drafting a stern warning to the Mars Lander and it’s occupants: “We demand that the giant robot be removed from our property and further declare that Klatu is a public nuisance. We order the Flying Squad to serve a warrant on the Lander in an expression of interstellar zoning regulations.”

Judge Hamilcar Frist is expected to authorize the warrant in his chambers just as soon as he’s freed from the diving bell he donned late last Friday. The courthouse is besieged by demonstrators voicing their support for the Martians. Mrs. Gabriella O’Day of Henley Hornbrook urged the crowd to “give Mars a chance.”

Officials hope to polish the robot with some sort of bronzing agent. Concetta Comedia dell Arta reporting.

Lesser Wallop: In a surprise move the Planet Mars dispatched a lander to examine life on earth. The three ton machine touched down in Lesser Wallop, Wellington Leg’s most glamorous suburb.  The interstellar probe set to work immediately according to Science Editor Giles Goatboy: “After a soft landing the craft deployed a stairway, several antennae, and gardening equipment. It began collecting soil samples, vegetation, and a discarded blender. There followed some whirring and banging sounds, perhaps light drilling.”

Burying the Lede: The big news, though, was the emergence of a ten foot robot from the maw of the ship. Local residents report an irresistible force field emanating from the robot. “It spoke to me,” reported Antoine “Tuffy” Tuffington of nearby Carthago Nova. “It wanted to get a library card.”

Chief Librarian Edna Ponson denied the Martian request: “Library privileges do not extend beyond our Bailiwick,” she said. “I doubt that a robot from another planet will return Led Zeppelin IV in a prompt and timely manner.”

Few can forget the last time extraterrestrials visited. One of them borrowed VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA from the Bookmobile and never returned it. “That fine approaches one million of today’s dollars,” Ms. Ponson said. “We simply won’t get fooled again.”

Hailing the Robot: To pacify the Space Monster the Wellington Leg Light Orchestra will perform a medley to include HOUSES OF THE HOLY and WHEN THE LEVEE BREAKS. Hizzoner plans to give a speech to the Martian Lander ( You Can Stay But You Gotta Pay Me Cash.) It’s not clear as of this writing whether Martians grasp the essentials of government graft. Still, it promises to make for an exciting Sunday despite the Fighting Gastropods eleven game losing streak.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.