Great Puffinghammer: Not far from the forty third earl’s country estate is the famous garage where he first conceived the idea that Voltaire was alive and well living the simple life as a Volvo mechanic. From these humble beginnings and without benefit of HTML, 43 labored into the night on his masterpiece Voltaire’s Miasma. “We now know that the Great Plague was caused by religious heresy and ground fog,” 43 writes. “The density of the former conspired with the quantum thickness of low lying clouds; now, therefore, we can conclude that wind power is the cure for the plague, wind and gushing prose are the pathways to healthe.”
Freshening Breezes: To achieve literary greatness one must endure windy conditions. “The gushing of the prose will occur after numerous tests of patience and endurance,” 43 notes. “Thus I withdrew to the atelier’s peaked roof to compleat my masterwork.”
Editor’s note: This may be a reference to 43′s captivity in a chimney. Despite the Guinness people’s studied indifference few can argue with the notion that 88 days in a Santa suit is a world’s record.
If You Don’t Look Good, We Don’t Feel the Burn: Few have mastered authorial deprivation as well as 43 who now looks back to his garage days as the happiest of times. “With Lars replacing timing belts and bent rods and the steady hum of volcanic activity I found the ideale locale to put pen to paper while committing to beautifying authors everywhere.”
A Jar of Polish: “After compleating a first draft 43 then applies the Earl’s Own Prose Polisher and Defoliator.” Spread liberally over the pages this amazing substance renders a first draft into a finished product while moisturizing too!”
Editor’s Note: This assumes a few things: one, the first draft is typed. Don’t try this with handwritten work as the result often resembles finger painting.
NB: Lars is Lars Kierkegaard, Publicist of Doom. Regular readers will recall 43′s ill-fated author tour with Lars behind the wheel. They threw a rod while evading Roman skirmishers near Roseburg, Oregon.
This article fell into a vat of the Earl’s Own and was lost to posterity.