Wellington Leg: In a ceremony shrouded in silliness the forty third earl condemned piracy just moments before Gastropod Alley suffered its fourteenth piracy incident in less than a week. The latest incident involved a remote control yacht and a man wearing a scarf with a knife clenched in his teeth. Our defense forces were alerted and the earl’s second nap interrupted by the hubbub.
He Travels Swiftly to the Rescue: The Tuffington Post has learned that the forty third earl rode by horseback from his ancestral yet depreciating estate near Cumberbund to deliver a sharp criticism of the pirates. Unfortunately his prepared remarks became unreadable after his mighty steed, Mrs. Peel, chewed the pages. “One supposes his prose is a tasty treat if one is a horse,” said Professor Moriarity, a paid political consultant. “The pirates don’t appear very concerned.”
Fearsome Display: Once arrived on the shores of Gastropod Alley, the earl dismounted. The jeers from the pirate crews offshore carried on a following breeze. Undaunted, the earl requested that his battle dinghy Forthright make sail without delay. He transmitted this command via cellular telephone to embittered dogsbody Urquhart Depew who clings to the belief that he and the earl were switched at birth.
Musical Interlude: To obscure the fact that little actual progress is being achieved the Wellington Leg Marching Band struggled through a down tempo version of When the Levee Breaks.
Meanwhile your reporter has learned that the Forthright has been sunk! To confirm this aspect of the story I hurried toward Cumberbund where the towne’s last hope of reprieve lay in three feet of water, her hull scoured. I can confirm this disaster is real: all that remains of our naval bulwark is a shrunken and shriveled likeness of Fred Flintstone. Apparently the Forthright has been drydocked in an official Flintstone collapsible pool.
A Lot of Hope is Lost: “This is barratry,” the earl cried upon learning of the disaster. Barratry is a crime on the high seas although even Mr. Flintstone might hesitate to claim his pool as “blue water.” As soon as his waders can be located, the earl will engage the enemy with both sword and quill.
Tuffy Tuffington reporting.