Wellington Leg: Legians knew they could rely on the forty third earl for relief in these harrowing times, and, thus, when he appeared in public for the first time sporting a woolly mammoth tooth in his ear the populace rejoiced. Few doubted that technology’s prime innovator would remain silent for long now that he’s completed the remodeling of the palace.
What is It They Cry? Earl Tooth is the first “communication fossil” consisting of aged teeth found here and there and roundabout town. “One simply locates a fossilized tooth,” Professor Moriarity explains. “The tooth is then coated with anodes, diodes, cathodes and regular odes until the surface of the tooth is shiny. Miniature antennae are then imbedded both in your ear and in the fossil. Once the Earl Tooth is positioned in the outer ear canal the wearer is free to talk to anyone else similarly equipped.”
Can’t We Talk to Other People Without Earl Tooth? “Of course, but that requires one of two things: extreme proximity or the use of outdated and frankly unfashionable technology. For instance holes may be drilled in the Earl Tooth enabling the user to add colorful strings or personalized slogans while using Earl Tooth. Thus an element of sophistication is achieved with a fossilized tooth in one’s ear.”
What’s a Woolly Mammoth? “These rather large creatures settled in Wellington Leg formed a great big woolly pyramid and then died mysteriously all at once. We think they may have wanted to form a Ponzi scheme but lacked the know how or sustainable business model to pull it off.”
What About the Tooth Fairy? “While it is certainly possible that the Tooth Fairy will eventually stock Earl Tooth right now the answer is no. I hasten to add that the earl’s business plan calls for users to purchase Earl Tooth as a finished product, ready to be worn with pride while shopping or at work.”
The Earl Tooth device measures nine by twelve or five by five depending on the individual ear being addressed. Users are cautioned not to yell while wearing Earl Tooth as yelling interferes with invisible radiowaves bombarding the earlobe. “Speak softly but carry a big tooth,” is the earl’s recommendation.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.