Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

Dream Ticket: Obama-McCain

Monday, August 4th, 2008

Wellington Leg: What follows is not the hard hitting journalism you’ve become accustomed to here at One More Bite of the Apple. Our Op-Ed page is open to anyone who lives in Wellington Leg, owns or plans to own an exotic bird, and enjoys access to the Internet through the Earl’s Own Telephony and Dial-Up Service or two tin cans and an RSS feed. As a note of caution some of the text is written in HTML. You may wish to don your three d glasses before proceeding.

This Day in Politics: It’s becoming increasingly clear that John McCain is angling for a spot on the Obama ticket as Obama’s Vice President. Advantages of an Obama-McCain dream ticket are considerable. Once together the Obama-McCain team can run ads against Ralph Nader, a third party candidate whose credentials speak for themselves. They can run attack ads on Ron Paul who may or may not be in the race, but whose ideas appeal to youthful voters. Or Obama-McCain can opt to do nothing at all except take in a Cubs game together, sing during the seventh inning stretch, and wave to the crowd. When it comes to throwing out the first pitch, Obama can defer to McCain or they can alternate in a lefty righty middle innings wipeout of a flailing Mitt Romney.

Meeting in the Middle: Voters of all stripes will find Obama-McCain an unbeatable combo this fall. On election night Larry King will get to bed at a decent hour while Florida’s Secretary of State can rest easy, maybe go fishing. Our own Dowager Princess, not a fan of democracy, will offer Obama-McCain her territories in Michigan as a gesture of good faith.

Drilling Program: Mrs. Candace O’Hare of Colgate Hill struck a natural gas seam two thousand feet below her rutabaga patch. Under an Obama-McCain administration Mrs. O’Hare would have exclusive mineral rights to her land, receive a very large TV (VLTV) win a week with the earl and have an airport named after her. Mrs. O’Hare is recruiting roughnecks to drill in Burnham Wood where paranormal investigators located John McCain’s campaign strategy earlier this week near a rove of streaming video.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Politics on Monday.

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Obama McCain Duel over Parking Regs

Monday, July 28th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Unable to attract the actual candidates the Wellington Leg Historical Society sponsored a debate between surrogates for Barack Obama and John McCain during the seventh inning stretch of the Fighting Gastropods most recent thriller. Obama and McCain met on the pitching mound where the forty third earl recited the ground rules not only for the debate but foul line and white chalk issues that lulled the crowd into a stupor, sources say.

Little John Strikes first: Perhaps over eager McCain tackled the earl while he was droning on about balks. The earl in full umpire regalia is not easily toppled but the feisty Arizona senator got the better of his opponent applying a half nelson, full nelson and Admiral Nelson before Obama could react. McCain vaulted the pitching rubber with the earl in a headlock while Obama reached for the resin bag.

Inexperienced in Brawls? McCain showed plenty of vigor as he circled the bases in a golfcart while Obama tried to mediate an immediate end to the bench clearing rhubarb. Obama sparred with Gastropods manager Tuffy Tuffington in shallow center field, territory McCain claimed as he zoomed in from right.

Historical Society Denies Blame: “Perhaps the central figure in this debacle is the forty third earl,” said Anatoly Romanov. “Since when does the home plate umpire venture beyond the pitching mound? Why would he pursue and tussle with a senior citizen?”

It’s Not Uncommon: Former Soviet Premier Leonid Breshnev is said to have to wrestled with umpires well into his golden years. Many observers expressed the feeling that the McCain surrogate went “off message” and failed to expound on his views regarding alternate side of the street parking regulations.

Senator Obama wants the definition of alternate side of the street expanded to include avenues, boulevards, and dual carriageways. Senator McCain advocates festival rules, a position endorsed by the Tow Truck Drivers of Wellington Bailiwick.

The forty third earl reported damage to his clicker, a mechanical device used to keep track of balls and strikes. “There goes half the strike zone,” Manager Tuffington fumed.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Hats in the Ring

Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

Wellington Leg: This year’s Literary Faire will feature addresses from both the major candidates according to Faire Insiders who spoke to this reporter incognito. “There are preconditions, of course, and Wellington Leg, a forgotten backwater, has a long way to go before McCain and Obama visit towne.”

A Civic Action: Prior to McCain’s arrival the entire area will be miniaturized, according to Eddie Palmer, owner of Eddie’s Book Nook. “The Republican candidate is short so we’re shrinking my store, the hardware store and the local high school. We will become Lilliput to his Gulliver.” A team of Intel scientists is working on a chip that will cram more of Wellington Leg into a smaller space so that eventually McCain will appear to be a giant among the tiny citizens.”

As always McCain will freewheel through the crowd with a portable microphone courtesy of the Flying Squad. “We hope that John punches a few drunken hecklers during his Q&A,” said DCI Borchardt. “We want to see his youthful side.”

Inflatable Fans: With Barack Obama scheduled to address the coveted Award Ceremony following an introduction by the Forty Third Earl, or someone pretending to be him, an array of bicycle pumps will be deployed to restore Wellington Leg to regular size. “We are Brobdingnagian,” Eddie said. As a demonstration Eddie pumped Fresh Air into the Historic Rotunda where towne officials often gather for a holographic visit from Rush Limbaugh. “No one is bigger than Rush,” Eddie said. Mr. Limbaugh is believed to be several stories high.

Obama offered this comment: “I understand that a prominent citizen of Wellington Leg has been swallowed by a whale. That’s the kind of thing we just can’t have anymore. That’s old school. We’re better than that.”

Bush Country? Ms. Lydia Careerbreaker, a local business tycoon, plans to heckle both candidates. She owns a terrifying collection of Dick Cheney outtakes as well as a pair of Li’l Dubya Sixshooters. “Don’t bring those guns to Towne,” DCI Borchardt warned. The miniature lawman is currently six inches tall.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Reductio ad Absurdem.

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Politicos Eye the Leg

Monday, June 30th, 2008

Succotash House: Analysts are becoming convinced that the Bailiwick of Legg may be a swing district in this year’s presidential election. That means that major figures in the US political landscape are paying close attention: Ice Cream Magnate James Carvel was in town yesterday for the Gastropods fourteenth consecutive loss. He carried with him several candid remarks delivered in an exclusive off the record scoop to the Druidical & Literary.

Senator John McCain on Wellington Leg: “I haven’t been there. They tell me it’s nice.”

John, those are Joe Walsh lyrics. “Well, I’d like to meet the Forty Third Earl. He’s a battlefield giant.”

Senator Barack Obama was more sanguine: “You look at a town like Wellington Leg and think is the glass half full? I think the glass is half full, and I know that the citizens out there think so too. They’ve had enough of feudal lords and crazy edicts that really don’t spur economic growth. We’re gonna change all that. And that baseball team? They’re gonna win the pennant.”

President George Walker Bush: “I’ve never heard of Wellington Leg. That’s intentional because the information that I receive is vetted first. If all sorts of facts and stuff hit my desk I wouldn’t be able to run this country. So, bottom line, I’ve already forgotten this conversation.”

William Jefferson Clinton: “I love the people of Wellington Leg. I love ‘em to pieces and do you know why? I’m just like them. They’re just like me. I’ve been to Eddie’s Book Nook a million times and I’ll come back anytime. Sign books. Cry a little. And, hey, balance the budget.”

Nancy Pelosi: “This House is about pocketbook issues, gas, food, opera tickets. I would love to visit Wellington Leg but have no plans to do so because the Republicans have parked my car in and I can’t get out. Where’s my cab? This is gridlock.”

The Dowager Princess:  “They can come here, kiss my ring, but unless the Tigers win the pennant I’m not supporting anybody. Belly up, you guys, make it happen.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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I Know You are. But What am I?

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Wellington Leg: Tired of name calling, back stabbing and vicious innuendo? I’m not either, that’s why I continue watching all the political drama unfolding on the small screen. Now that Barack Obama is the official candidate of the Democratic party all of Wellington Leg and environs may thrill to the inevitable pause before the conventions.

My Face: Demographically I should be a prime target of John McCain’s Republican machine. Fit me for a pair of geezer jeans and cut my taxes, John! Preserve the current capital gains structure. Let’s not formulate an energy policy because like most people I enjoy being blackmailed by third world and emerging nations. Just bring it on. Obama has to stop making sense and there’s no time like the present.

Scare Me, Bleed Me, Bludgeon Me, Deny Me Healthcare: Maybe McCain will ask Dick Cheney to remain on board as the Veep for Four More Years. This will provide the continuity we all crave ( look at him in the mirror breathing…what is happening in his head?) Yeah, you guessed it: McCain needs a rock opera because his opponent is bright and articulate ( his disciples lead him in he just does the rest.) Hey, Pete Townshend I’m looking at you.

Crazy Flipper Fingers: Many in Wellington Leg are uncertain how to vote. Some of them are struggling to understand the Joba Rules let alone the arcane nominating process beloved by the major parties. Go ahead fill out your All Star ballots without fear of intimidation. Yes, you can write in Jose Canseco on your ballot. Remember that he’s now a famous author.

Things to look for this summer: John McCain finishes a major speech, announces that it’s a free concert from now on, grabs a Fender from an aging hippy, and scorches through forty minutes of SHINE ON YOU CRAZY DIAMOND. Then he smashes the guitar, kicks the amps and explains his monetary policy. Don’t call John a geezer.

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