Hair Oil Futures Spike
Friday, July 11th, 2008Piltdown Exchange: A sharp rise in Hair oil futures caught traders flatfooted as the monthly inventory report showed a dip in supplies. Trading curbs imposed at noon prevented a blow off in the vital commodity as circuit breakers blew. Rumors that Daniel Baldwin had a buzz cut curtailed some of the panic although the possibility of a remake of WALL STREET drove the price per barrel of West Texas Intermediate Hair Gel to an all time high.
Light Sweet Crude: With his hair slicked back a young man may pursue numerous careers especially those requiring an aura of ruthlessness. Nowhere is this more evident than on the trading floor where those with limp dry hair are pushed to the rear of the crowd helpless to prevent financial ruin.
Speculators Blamed: Professor Moriarity has studied the markets for years and believes that speculators are manipulating supply. Hair Oil Reserves represent a stockpile of the strategic stuff stored in tank farms in the Mojave Desert. “During the 1980s the reserves were low as demand crested,” Moriarity said. Supplies rebounded in the ’90s but now emerging nations are net importers of the precious pomade. “Indian and Chinese men want to look ruthless too,” he said.
Refining Margins Squeezed: Having survived the writer’s strike, Hollywood faces a new threat: actors with crummy hair. Villains on the Lifetime Channel alone require 400,000 barrels of hair oil a level of demand now exceeded by Bollywood. Some have proposed drilling in the Santa Barbara Channel while others see the La Brea Tarpits as a short term solution. Actors could be dipped in the Tar Pits semi-annually for hair maintenance.
Hybrid Hair? Professor Moriarty may have an ingenious solution. After studying Baywatch reruns he realized that water may be a substitute for Hair Oil. “When I saw Pammy on the beach I saw hair oil independence,” he said. The professor demonstrated by pouring a bottle of Evian water onto the head of volunteer Alfredo Garcia. Alfredo’s hair glistened for eleven minutes before evaporation took its toll.
Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia: the professor will repeat his experiment near the New York Commodities Exchange after the market closes.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.