David Thayer

Wellington Leg: French warships have intercepted the podcast launched by the forty third earl early yesterday. The frigates Lafarge and Moliere outmaneuvered Legian ships under the command of Sea Lord and talk radio host Vicious Sid in a battle that lasted several minutes. Wellington Leg threatened to recall its ambassador to the Quai Dorsay: “We will recall our ambassador as soon we recall who that individual is,” said a spokesperson for the palace. Someone from Wellington Leg traveled to Paris several years ago to research a book about Herself in the Early Years but ran out of money. “This person went to debtor’s prison and may have been guillotined,” the announcement read.

Our Fleet: Where was Our Fleet? As they rowed toward the drop zone the crew of HMS Bristol Stomp sensed naval disadvantage. “We started the outboard when the Moliere fired a shot across our bow. There was a big splash.”

The big splash, of course, was the pod reentering earth’s atmosphere hurtling toward the churning waves of Gastropod Alley at speeds exceeding seven hundred miles per hour. The precious artifact, evidence of the earl’s reckless disregard for his own safety, fell into the hands of the Moliere’s crew. “This is a historic moment,” said Commander Guy from the forecastle: “We now possess actual video of life inside a whale’s belly.”

Pirated versions of the podcast reveal the earl snoozing in a leather club chair deep inside the great whale. “It looks as though the whale swallowed the Harvard Club,” noted one pundit. The grainy quality of the video cast doubt on reports that whales write notes to other whales.  A quick call to New York confirmed that the Harvard Club was still there. “We’re fine. We have chilled salmon on the menu today.”

The Harvard Club is members only.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: News that the forty third earl will be podcasting from the belly of a blue whale is raising eyebrows this morning. Less than a week ago the author of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA was reported swallowed by a Sharpie wielding “monster of the deep.” Reports are circulating that the earl was seen visiting Lenin’s Tomb, shopping in Prague, driving a cab on the Grand Central Parkway. Page Seven believes he attended the Cannes Film Festival disguised as a drama critic.

Whale Podcasting: while in its infancy whale podcasting is not much different than other whale related activities. “In order to cast the pod from a moving object one simply takes into account the forward velocity of the creature, the curve of the earth, and prevailing winds,” noted Professor Moriarity, the man often accused of killing Sherlock Holmes. “The spoken word is etched onto a disk or pod then ejected through the whale’s blow hole.”

This reporter had the presence of mind to interview Lars Kierkegaard Publicist of Doom at his Ballard atelier. Lars was contemplating rotor wear on the rear brakes of a Volvo 240 d sedan when I popped the question: “Was the earl swallowed by a whale and, if so, was it a mechanical whale?”

The two part question seemed to stump the man often called the publicist’s publicist. He showed me a dorsal fin fashioned from composite materials to be incorporated on modern jetliners. Lars then demonstrated by launching mechanical salmon from the Fish Ladder: “Ja, it’s conceivable to build a whale in your garage,” he admitted. “The question is why? That’s always the question.”

Unfortunately the mechanical salmon were eaten by a mechanical sea lion. “Nature is merciless,” Lars observed.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.