David Thayer

Great South Bay: Hizzoner declared a state of siege this morning as his reelection campaign entered its third grueling week. The mayor spent part of the weekend hugging trees and kissing babies before rolling up his pantleg for a photo op at the shore. Dogged by Papa Razzi and his gang of hecklers, Hizzoner christened a new edition of Jayne’s Fighting Ships in the traditional manner with a bottle of champagne. In a theatrical moment he walked the plank blindfolded after vowing to raise taxes on the Big Fat Guys who unleashed a twenty one gun salute.

A Tuffy Exclusive: While the mayor was at the beach I was with the Wellington Leg Defense Forces who fought a running battle with ravenous flavinoids. The Noids stormed a hillside redoubt hoping to seize control of the Little Pink House so emblematic of our Bailiwick’s enormous military power. This is not the first time flavinoids have attacked the Leg: it’s the second time, and well, this could be the last time, maybe the last time, I don’t know. I do know that the tambourine has fallen out of favor as an instrument and the flavinoids seemed determined to restore its popularity.

Who are They? What do they Want? Informed of the attack Hizzoner consulted renowned political advisor Mister Prawns whose flow charts, pie charts, eye charts, pop tarts, and go carts often reveal the electorate’s current mood. “We’re banning the tambourine for the foreseeable future,” Hizzoner proclaimed. The crowd cheered despite the distant rumble of artillery.

Hey Mister Tambourine Man: I don’t like to editorialize during the Tuffington Post because I respect the difference between hard news and opinion. I have to say, however, that whether or not we ban tambourines here in Wellington Leg, I hope it doesn’t become permanent. I have a tambourine in my basement. Am I a criminal now?

This is Tuffy Tuffington asking aren’t the flavinoids the real enemy here?