David Thayer

Wellington Leg: The Baltimore Orioles have designated our own Duchess of Wey for assignment to Triple A Rochester. The news rocked the Gastropods front office as the team returns from an 0-9 road trip that included stops in Reading, PA. and Novosebirsk. The Duchess was 2-4 with a 4.55 ERA in eight starts with the Orioles. Her finest hour came against the Yankees when she blew away Jeter, Rodriguez, and Damon with her Bugs Bunny Change-up. “She looked awesome,” said one Yankee player. “Except for the floppy hat.”

Herself Perturbed? A rider from the Imperial Messenger Service delivered the news to the Dowager Princess early this morning. In perhaps an ominous sign the Princess gathered her War cabinet who supplied her with details on the state of Maryland. “Maryland is pretty tiny,” said a palace spokesperson. “I don’t think they have a navy,” he added.

Would She Move Without the Earl? Baseball fans may recall the days when the earl patrolled center field for the Fighting Gastropods. “In three years in center he never caught a single fly,” noted Urquhart Depew. “He was sound asleep by the second inning.” In fairness to the earl sports editor Mandy Rice-Davies commented, “His sedan chair may have limited his mobility.”

Blue States, Red States: Given Wellington Leg’s current difficulties with Michigan and Ohio, war with Maryland seems remote. “We’re not afraid of the Dowager Princess,” said former Michigan resident Mitt Romney. Still, her claims to the Upper Peninsula rankle some.

Nattering Nabobs: There is a bellicose minority who demand satisfaction for the demotion of the Duchess. None of the prospects sent to the Gastropods have risen above A ball thus far. “This is Moneyball?” asked a nabob. “A bunch of guys down in Salinas?”

A Google search reveals that Rochester is a city in upstate New York. Many observers fear that the Duchess will refuse to report setting off a bean ball war. “There will be chin music before this is over,” vowed Gastropods Manager Tuffy Tuffington. “Or my name isn’t Tuffy Tuffington.”

Tuffy Tuffington Jr. reporting.