Sancto Sanctorum: In the darkest recesses of the Umbrage Building The Druidical & Literary’s Executive Board gathered for a bollocking from major investor Eugenia Phaeton, third grader at Wellington Primary School and manager of My Hedge Fund, a show and tell project run amok. Eugenia pulled no punches in her presentation to the board although some board members objected to Nap Time, others refused their milk and cookies. Little Don, Vice Chairman of the Board, reported that Eugenia “stuck her tongue out at me.” He complained to the Big Fat Guys who demanded that Eugenia stay after school.
Typical Hedge Fund Manager: The Druidical & Literary has suffered a drastic reduction in circulation as well as advertising revenue in the past several quarters. The D&L may close its Goth Bureau despite the bureau’s award winning coverage of the Roman Invasion. Bureau Chief T. Rex Love-Handles vowed to stay on regardless of cost cutting measures imposed by My Hedge Fund. “I will continue to report the activities of the Vecesima Claudia Legion on behalf of the people of Goth, who stand to lose their overflow parking privileges at COSTCO should this relentless military action continue….”
New Ideas Abound: In order to lure new readers the Board announced the return of the Earl’s Agony Column, a longtime favorite of suffering writers in Wellington Leg. “The earl’s timely advice is essential to understanding not only the zeitgeist and weltschmierzen so common to our artistic brothers and sisters who endure all sorts of Germanic afflictions in the name of Art.”
Blue Whale Petitioned: While Eugenia approved the Agony she is foresquare against the Ecstacy so prevalent these days in the hallowed halls of academe. As a precondition to running the column she pointed that the Earl “must be retrieved from the big Whale who swallowed him earlier this month.” To that end the Board issued a Resolution to the Whale or Whales warning of dire consequences of a seafaring nature may result if he, The Earl, is not returned to our collective bosom.”
It’s not how the Board intends to deliver its Ultimatum to a Monster of the Deep.
Tuffy “Unpaid Intern” Tuffington reporting.