David Thayer

Succotash House: Analysts are becoming convinced that the Bailiwick of Legg may be a swing district in this year’s presidential election. That means that major figures in the US political landscape are paying close attention: Ice Cream Magnate James Carvel was in town yesterday for the Gastropods fourteenth consecutive loss. He carried with him several candid remarks delivered in an exclusive off the record scoop to the Druidical & Literary.

Senator John McCain on Wellington Leg: “I haven’t been there. They tell me it’s nice.”

John, those are Joe Walsh lyrics. “Well, I’d like to meet the Forty Third Earl. He’s a battlefield giant.”

Senator Barack Obama was more sanguine: “You look at a town like Wellington Leg and think is the glass half full? I think the glass is half full, and I know that the citizens out there think so too. They’ve had enough of feudal lords and crazy edicts that really don’t spur economic growth. We’re gonna change all that. And that baseball team? They’re gonna win the pennant.”

President George Walker Bush: “I’ve never heard of Wellington Leg. That’s intentional because the information that I receive is vetted first. If all sorts of facts and stuff hit my desk I wouldn’t be able to run this country. So, bottom line, I’ve already forgotten this conversation.”

William Jefferson Clinton: “I love the people of Wellington Leg. I love ‘em to pieces and do you know why? I’m just like them. They’re just like me. I’ve been to Eddie’s Book Nook a million times and I’ll come back anytime. Sign books. Cry a little. And, hey, balance the budget.”

Nancy Pelosi: “This House is about pocketbook issues, gas, food, opera tickets. I would love to visit Wellington Leg but have no plans to do so because the Republicans have parked my car in and I can’t get out. Where’s my cab? This is gridlock.”

The Dowager Princess:  “They can come here, kiss my ring, but unless the Tigers win the pennant I’m not supporting anybody. Belly up, you guys, make it happen.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.