Wellington Leg: The Literary Faire suffered an embarrassment this weekend after judges awarded the coveted Narrative Nonfiction Award to the Earl of Watership Down for his submission of a 1984 Volvo owner’s manual. “We thought the extended warranty section was both poetic and quixotic,” said Judge Hamilcar Barca a retired Carthaginian general. “I was moved by the drivetrain description,” he added. None of the other judges granted an interview citing Russian tanks as the principle obstacle to serious discussion.
Coveted Statuette: The Smythe Trophy for Narrative Nonfiction stands a remarkable eleven feet tall and is sheathed in genuine Durabubble a miracle product similar in texture to an electric eel. A small percentage of the population experience an electrical shock when touching the Smythe Trophy thus the Committee is urging passersby to avoid grabbing the Smythe or urging others to do so. Regular readers may recall that the statuette vanished under mysterious circumstances after a Viking raid several years ago. The charred remains of a Viking helmet presented the only clue to the mystery. Portuguese explorers located the Smythe Trophy off the coast of Peru after being shipwrecked on a deserted island.
Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe is the widow of Garrison Smythe for whom the bell tolled during the seventh inning stretch one fateful afternoon. Mr. Smythe succumbed to injuries sustained after he was struck by space debris near the home dugout while signaling to a vendor. “It remains unclear what my husband wanted from the vendor,” Prudentia said. “The nearest of these service people was a rock dealer.”
Though disgusted with the judges Chalfont-Smythe promises to present the trophy without expressing her simmering resentment at the earl’s victory. “One can hardly believe that an Owners Manual however well written is worthy of the Smythe,” she said. Her supporters threaten a demonstration during the award ceremony to be held during the middle of the night at the Dunkin Donuts on Great Chesterfield Street.
Indentured Servant Urquhart Depew reporting.