Reading Solzhenitsyn at the Mall
Friday, June 20th, 2008Prince of Denmark Shopping Center: In an effort to inject some pep into the otherwise gloomy staff of the Druidical & Literary we’ve given everyone the day off. Wellington High’s Pep Squad has free rein over the blog with its labyrinthine bells and whistles. While rumors of a newsroom coup circulate this reporter is at the mall.
Fact and fiction: The Roman Army in the New World is besieging Portland, Oregon, sources report. Staff reporter Geraldo was on the scene and filed this report. A word of caution: some of the scenes depicted here are highly improbable, possibly incendiary, and certainly appalling creating an adverb cluster and an aura of shameless melodrama.
Desperately Seeking Conan: Geraldo here, dateline, Chehalis Washington: Four Roman legions are on the move in this central Washington town after an incident at a local MacDonalds. “They came, they saw, they ordered eleven thousand Big Macs,” said sales associate Bonnie. “We invoked the ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’, Law,” Bonnie continued. “I think it’s a Law.”
It is the Law: A quick check with the Legal Department revealed that mail shirts and leather sandals do not qualify for service. “The Law is quite clear,” said an unnamed legal expert. “Bonnie was totally vindicated.”
South on Interstate Five: Ever since CONAN THE BARBARIAN ran at the Wellington Drive-In Roman commanders are convinced that Conan is our great leader. In an exclusive interview with Marcus Sevilius I learned that Conan is to be brought to Rome in chains.
Chains not required: Just a traffic reminder that chains are no longer required in the passes this June. The weather for metro Portland looks favorable this weekend, so the Romans expect to cross the Columbia River sometime Saturday.
Ten thousand ox carts may wreak havoc on Oregon highways. A word to the wise. Geraldo reporting.
Editor’s Note: Since we’re all at the mall the fact checking apparatus is questionable at best. A mail shirt is a shirt, isn’t it?