The Flying Squad responded to a complaint from Mrs. Phillida Beaufort of Number Two Politburo Prospekt. “She claimed that scientists had trampled her bed of primroses,” DCI Borchardt reported. The team of specialists had been dispatched to assess the fuel situation. When police arrived they found no scientists but did notice a grazing hippopotamus in the front yard.

One of Our Hippos is Missing: Over at Greg’s Haus of Hippos wrangler Marty is counting noses. “Well, we had thirteen hippos yesterday. Now we have fourteen, I mean, twelve.” Thirteen hippos is a Baker’s Dozen. Fourteen is illegal. Twelve means that one of our hippos is missing.

Mrs. Beaufort is against the orbiting book mobile. Last year a decaying spy satellite fell to earth mere inches from her late model Volkswagen Jetta. “I expect more from our city government than having books falling from the sky,” she said. “And, they are not addressing the hippo menace.”

Hailing the Hippo: “It’s not easy getting the attention of a grazing hippopotamus,” DCI Borchardt said. Members of the Flying Squad shouted and waved their arms to little affect. “Look it’s yawning!” someone cried. Attempts to trap the hippo with butterfly nets only aroused the creature’s ire. Before lumbering off the hippo crushed an official police bicycle.

Some believe that the Big Fat Guys secretly support the books in space program and my be using the hippo threat to garner public support. The space station would have a lookout tower providing an early warning system should hippos mass in numbers near Towne.

Science Editor Delancy Clancy reporting.

The Aerodrome has a functional fog machine operated by unemployed members of the Wellington Leg Light Orchestra. Fog creates an aura of drama and mystery whether of the low lying rising variety or the more traditional enveloping mist of the descending kind. Someone will inevitably remark that they can’t see their hand in front of their face and you wonder, to yourself of course, what their hand is doing in front of their face. Aren’t they in a hurry? Don’t they want to reach the promised land beyond security?

Or are they simply at the Aerodrome listening to the parking regulations: you can’t park, there is no waiting, violators will be ticketed. Hey, it’s all about waiting. Why not ban waiting indoors? In fact, passengers can wait all they want. Those retrieving said passengers ( meet me near the poster of Hillary Shooting Geese. Bring a pickup truck) they are not permitted to wait. So you have those who wait and those who may not wait separated only by the static filled observations of a disembodied voice insisting that there is no waiting allowed.

Air travel. I can’t wait for my next trip.

Witch Trial Scheduled: the Wicked Witch who turned Geraldo into a frog will go on trial next week at Central Assizes not far from The Tower. Jury selection is complete although the inclusion of a market weight hog and a Googlebot is certain to raise eyebrows. D&L Publisher Ernst Von Lowbrau has editorialized that “she’s a witch, she’s guilty, we don’t need a trial!”

The hog in question may be Mortimer Mayhew himself a victim of the defendant. “I think the defendant turned Mortimer into a Hog even as she transformed Geraldo into a frog.” Only the kiss of Frederika Fress reversed the spell restoring Geraldo to his “current condition.”

Judge Hamilcar Frist will preside. To amuse the mob he’s reinstating court room favorite THE GREEK CHORUS whose members will boo and hiss when the defense counsel speaks, cry, “she’s guilty!” when things get boring and wrangle the large assembly of small amphibians expected to turn out for the trial. “Many of the frogs and toads hereabouts are interested in the trial,” said Professor Moriarity. “After all, they may be taxpayers.”

Prosecutor Gonads plans to read from Kerouac in his opening statement after discarding the idea of HOWL in its entirety. Exhibit A is a motorized broom believed to be a means of transport for the defendant. Members of the Flying Squad will testify that the broom landed at Wellington Aerodrome “on time for a change.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Review in January Magazine: Alex Carr’s PRINCE OF BAGRAM PRISON is now up and running on January’s crime fiction page. Alex Carr is Jenny Siler who is always welcome at Eddie’s Book Nook once we clear away the Rhino debris and attendant vampire bits.

VODKA NEAT is the work of UK based Anna Blundy. Blundy is published in the UK by McMillan, the US by St. Martin’s. As a North American you’re going to be confused probably buying eleven of her books to discover there are really only three: the good news they’re terrific, so you won’t care.

THE WATER’S EDGE by Daniel Judson. Wellington Leg is Judson country although he prefers to set his stories on the eastern fringe of Long Island more Hampton Bays and Moriches Inlet than the summer hot spots further east. His characters drive through East Hampton but don’t linger. This is his finest novel yet and that’s saying something.

The Earl to the Yankee pen? Don’t be surprised by a June call up for the forty third earl. Yankee brass are working on a deal whereby the earl can take afternoon naps even during day games! This was the big sticking point last year along with the midges on the shores of Lake Erie. Stay tuned….

Separation of Powers? “If the Regent becomes Sheriff she may order herself to behead members of the House who oppose her free beer and squalor initiative,” warned Rosencranz from Stage Right. “With the combined strength of Regent and Sheriff the Princess will become more powerful than the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.”

The Voters are Idiots: Other than radishes it isn’t clear what Boris the Reformer has to offer. He recently observed that “voters are idiots” upsetting a delicate balance in local politics. His “Borscht for Babies” program came acropper after nine out of ten infants refused to eat Borscht. Boris was caught bribing a toddler with a Porsche Carrera Turbo, way too much car for a two year old. Still his promise of a windswept desolate literary landscape resonates with the Romantics whose voting bloc is essential to form a government.

Third Party Candidate Ethelred overslept on the campaign trail then flew his Learjet to Nova Scotia where he greeted Fisherman John who is his single supporter in the race. Ethelred and John shared a big dish of beef chow mein before shaking hands in the fog. “Bad photo op,” Boris observed. Still every picture tells a story.

With the Fighting Gastropods in Cleveland the Princess will hold a rally on the Great Lawn in straightaway center field. Peasants and serfs will be beaten if they forget to attend. A word to the wise.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Sometimes called EARL THE PEARL the painting formed part of the dower bestowed upon King Pin the Second. Large sections of Michigan completed his lands and holdings before the Dowager Princess rebelled overthrowing the monarchy and sending counter party debt instruments into chaos.

We Arrest Only the Brain: Freelance writer Henderson Pugh is without his brain…again. Fortunately Mr. Pugh is completing assignments for People Magazine as well as transcribing the minutes of the Fed’s Open Market Committee. “He won’t need his brain for those jobs,” noted Dan Tana. “In fact he’s really in demand.”

The Earl in Shock: Reached in the far left hand corner of the Fighting Gastropods dugout the earl leaned on a Manny Ramirez hickory bat and refused to answer this reporter’s questions about the heist. “We really can’t have people’s brains running around loose…stealing art and stuff,” said Interim Manager Lars Kierkegaard.

Jello Mold Believed Eaten: If anyone has more Jello mold or has plans to make some, please contact the Flying Squad care of this blog.

T.Rex Love-Handles for the Wellington Leg Police Blotter.

If He’s Not Julius Caesar, then Who is He? After the initial scuffle DCI Borchardt took control of the scene although his personal dignity suffered a blow when his Moderne Hairpiece took flight during an orchestral overture. After several orbits of the Hall the toupee buzzed the front row seats where dignitaries and luminaries screamed until rodeo star Mister Dubya lassoed the runaway rug.

Brain Labeled by Mom? The lost and found returned the brain to Mr. Pugh after they found his name taped to the Medulla Oblongata. “My mother labeled my socks and underwear,” Mr. Pugh explained. “She labeled my Canned Heat album,” he added. “Thank goodness.”

His Latin Outburst: Professor Dan Tana of the Left Brain Bank thinks Mr. Pugh spoke Latin in a previous life. “Certainly we know by now that Gaul is divided into many parts, more than three, more than thirty three.” Using a pair of heavy duty scissors Tana snipped away at a map of Gaul. “There you have it,” he said. “A million little pieces.”

Jello Mold to the Rescue: One of the toughest substances on earth, jello mold was used to preserve the brain for a week. “It’s working fine,” Mr. Pugh reported. “Except that now I speak Portuguese.”

Mr. Pugh is a freelance writer. “It’s not a job you can do for long without a brain,” he confessed. “A week, tops.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Herself Displeased: With her Tigers scuffling the Dowager Princess is considering expelling diplomats from the State of Michigan and possibly Ohio. Her Ford Preferred Debenture with a 2030 expiry has been a major disappointment. Local broker Taft Laffer faces beheading as the yield curve steepens. “She can’t behead a discount broker,” Taft said. “Can she?”

In other news Wellington Leg may change its name to Ellington Leg in the hopes of saving money. The Pennies from Heaven stimulus package has yet to jumpstart the local economy. For example Mrs. Antonia Fraser of Boddice Ripper Lane took her penny and placed it inside a cookie jar. She called police after reporting a gang of fed governors “lurking in her garden.”

The Tower is warning residents that Swiss Guards will be collecting unspent pennies after the 15th Ultimo.  Since no one knows when that is some are rushing to spend their penny with local retailers. Eddie Parker of Eddie’s Book Nook is selling the earl’s COLLECTED WORKS for a half-penny. “Pound for pound this is literature at its finest,” Eddie said.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Stimulus Now.

From my vantage point I see the Forty Third Earl speaking with a witch. He’s leaning against the Eiffel Tower. I crawl closer through the spartina grass. Discarded industrial gears, lizard guts, the bloated husk of a rusting Chevy, closer and closer, all in the name of journalistic integrity, which, God knows, no one cares about anymore until her single yellow eye turns toward me…

Croak…croak…croak. What can it mean?

“Okay, cut. Someone get that frog off the set.”

“It’s not a frog. It’s wearing a Channel Five baseball cap.”

Croak.

“Look, it’s trying to use the computer!”

“The Eiffel Tower fell over! What next?”

“Let’s take ten. Bob, you fix the Eiffel Tower. Frederika, grab all the baseball hats. Don’t kiss that frog….”

I hear a ripping sound, smell a noxious blend of smoke and cheap perfume, my fingers are swollen, I’m at a Bread concert…

“Geraldo? Better get off the set. The Zombies are coming.”

This is what journalistic integrity feels like! I run for my life, the lede is writing itself: Production problems plague Paris set! Zombie strike is over! Witches are real! But I think she cured my writer’s block!

Geraldo reporting from On Location in Wellington Leg.

Author, author: As reported in the Druidical & Literary screenwriter Borzoi is a graduate of Boris’ Obedience School in Middle Wallop, an adjunct of his Famous Writers School. In exchange for good paragraphs writers are given rewards like chewy treats. “The screen writing class is limited to the first seven hundred applicants,” Boris explained. “This helps insure individual attention.”

Problems with script? Rumors are flying that the script is in trouble. “The czarina menace is not one that viewers identify with,” said script doctor Canseco. Rewrite specialist Bogarding Thatjoint is on hand just in case. “I’m writing the zombies back in,” he said. “Here comes one now.”

Zombies Walk Out: Labor problems and ongoing contract negotiations have left Zombies and management far apart. “That’s why they’re using czarinas,” said union officials. “We don’t believe it was a typo.”

Borzoi is working on Page Six of the script.  “He doesn’t really understand math so we’re calling it Page Six” The setting is St. Petersburg but the question remains whether that’s Florida or Russia. “We have a Greek Chorus of old guys with wet rags on their heads storming the Winter Palace,” said Gus. “That’s flexibility,” he added.

Borzoi was running through the park at press time and could not be interviewed. Geraldo reporting for the W! Network.