June 23rd, 2009
Hauptbahnhof: Train service between Wellington Leg and Russia was suspended yesterday after it was revealed that the Pacific Ocean is in the way. In a burgeoning scandal surrounding Mysterious Rail Tours, customers complained that instead of being carried to Russia they toured the Oregon town of Yachats.
Archibald Hairless of Henley Hornbrook booked a ticket with the company for a train ride through Siberia. Instead he now realizes that the train meandered through the Province of Alberta where he reported seeing numerous cows and the occasional Commissar waving to the train.
“That was probably a Canadian farmer,” Mr. Hairless recalled.
Sisters Charlotte and Emily Bronte are among those passengers who now feel duped by Mysterious Tours. After signing up for a trip to the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, the sisters now believe they trained through the streets of Tacoma Washington. “We saw the Tacoma Dome,” Emily said. “That was nice,” she added.
The Flying Squad raided the offices of Mysterious Tours early Tuesday and carted off a scale model of Moscow. “It was very detailed,” said DCI Borchardt. “There was a tiny figure of Vladimir Putin waving from the Kremlin,” he said. Another Russian doll banged his shoe on the table, but only when sufficiently wound up.
Update: the express train to Yekaterinburg scheduled for a 16:45 departure this evening will leave on schedule. The train will bypass Magnolia Ridge and make steam for the Sea of Japan. First class passengers should arrive eleven hours early; no one seems to care when second and third class arrive. Large dogs are okay as long as they are on a leash. Distant relatives are okay too.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.
Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »
June 20th, 2009
Wellington Leg: In what scientists are calling an unfortunate accident local author Tuffy Tuffington has been hurled into outer space aboard the experimental space craft Archie, sources on Mount Baker report. Wellington Leg entered the space race after the Dowager Princess ordered a forty foot likeness of Herself planted on the moon. Until today the cardboard portrait has been standing in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. “This may be real progress,” a palace spokesperson said.
All Wheel Drive: The Archie spacecraft is a hybrid whose retro rockets resemble a Wurlitzer jukebox. “We wanted retro touches,” said Program Director Dawn. “Once Tuffy clears the earth’s atmosphere, he will be able to drive the Archie toward the moon. The owner’s manual is pretty complete although it is considered a work in translation.”
Don’t Press the Big Red Button: One theory that could explain the accidental launch involves a field trip for zoo animals who visited Mission Control late yesterday. After a game of ping pong two Orangutans slipped away from the party and entered the space launch module. “We’re not saying they hit the big red button,” Mall Security Chief Fierce Pierce remarked. A small fire at a Nordstrom’s Rack distracted everyone shortly before the space craft lifted off.
Dog Days: The Archie is designed to move through space at about 55 miles per hour. “Obviously we intended to honor the double nickel,” said program director Dawn. “If Tuffy goes a little faster, he should touch down on the moon about six years from now,” she added.
Another option is to launch a tow truck to retrieve both Archie and Tuffy. The truck would be hurled into space from atop Queen Anne hill, weather permitting. Queen Anne is often shrouded in fog in a chiaroscuro redolent with gloom. Local residents are opposed to the idea and vowed to stop the launch. “It would irresponsible to launch a tow truck into space,” one man said. He also demanded more street parking.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.
Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »
June 12th, 2009
Wellington Leg: As late night host David Letterman knows all too well a war of words can turn into a costly and prolonged guerrilla battle with unexpected developments and unscripted moments. To quote the Dude from the Big Lebowsky, “I’m trying to drink a beverage here,” is sometimes ineffectual during the heat of the moment. And the First Dude, though not a fictional character, has displayed an instinct for bringing a shotgun to a chess tournament.
Ask the Professor: Former minor league outfielder (Visalia where he hit .237 against kids who threw the same pitch over and over) and bon vivant ( while in Visalia he wrote a treatise about Baudelaire) where he casually tossed a live baseball to a fan who screamed that it was not a ground rule double and became an inside the park home run after the fan went for hot dogs pursued by stadium security and members of the bullpen: when confronted by the angry mob the fan said, “hey, I’m trying to enjoy a beverage here.”
“This style of crisis management is most efficacious in cases where a primitive argument is carrying the day against a sophisticated riposte ( such as: I know you are, but what am I?) often comes acropper. That’s why Rent a Crisis is so valuable now. For a low low price you can carry Rent a Crisis in your handbag or jammed into your back pocket. Contained in handy book form or in Kindle ready molecular form, are thousands of rejoinders right at your fingertips. Here are some free samples:
“I’m trying to enjoy Letterman here.”
“I couldn’t have spilled beer on your girlfriend. I’m drinking Chardonnay.”
“I think the F train stops in Chinatown, but maybe not.”
“I’m a guest of Rudy Giuliani.”
“I’m not saying that Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is great American cinema, but the Alamo tour scene is worth sitting through the rest.”
“Wie bitte?”
If you act now the entire Baudelaire oeuvre may be rushed to your door at no extra charge!
Not available in the Continental United States, its territories or possessions.
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June 10th, 2009
Wellington Leg: Researchers at the Institute for Science believe they’ve developed a pill that has the look feel and texture of medicine with none of the side effects. Code named Capulet the exciting new placebo comes in three colors, yellow, blue or tawny brown; while flavorless the pill is easily digested by the test subjects Big Fat Guys GMBH is the holding company developing the Capulet. They hope to distribute the pill at the Literary Faire later this summer. “We hope to market a small launcher to go with the Capulet,” said one of the Big fat Guys. With the launcher a patient could stand several blocks from his medicine cabinet, and, with the press of a button, have the placebo soaring through the air in no time.
Plague Dogs: Tests of the launcher have been made difficult by local dogs, researchers admit. “Dogs enjoy chasing things, and they intercepted most of the Capulets in mid air.” One solution may be to develop fake placebos; while the dogs chase the imitators, the real placebos may be launched in a rapid fire sequence.
Eye of Newt: A volunteer, code named “Newt” admitted that the placebo launcher “works only too well.” Newt was tweeting on the campus of a major university when he accidentally triggered his launcher. Newt ran across the 520 floating bridge, past the Microsoft campus, through Marymoor Park and climbed Mount Si before snaring his Capulet with what he described as a “basket catch.” He admits trampling a salmon habitat and disturbing a family of black bears on the outskirts of Redmond. “I think the bears were going to eat the salmon anyway,” Newt said.
The mayor of Wellington Leg welcomes the economic stimulus associated with launching placebos, but warned, “You have to be in pretty good shape to do what Newt did. This project my not be for everyone.”
The Crying of Lot 49: Volunteer slots will be auctioned in Pynchon Hall during normal business hours.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.
Posted in Biting the Apple | 2 Comments »
June 3rd, 2009
Hall of the Mountain Kings: The trial of Ms. Amanda Bond of Little Wallop began this afternoon in an atmosphere one court observer described as “Minoan.” He may have been referring to the presence of members of the Lost Continent of Atlantis who are attending a convention in Wellington Leg this week. Ms. Bond, accused of failing to look like Rush on Limbaugh Sunday, entered a plea of You Cannot Be Serious. She is representing herself.
The presiding magistrate, Judge Hamilcar Frist, loves to make a dramatic entrance and today was no exception. He arrived on a unicycle juggling bowling pins; inscribed on the pins were the words “guilty” and “not-guilty.” Judge Frist performed a near perfect dismount although he failed to execute a seven ten split before landing in his chair.
As the clerk read the charges against Ms. Bond, the Crown’s Counsel made faces at the assembled journos and was especially rude to our own Tuffy Tuffington, ace reporter and author of Tuffpo. Courtroom fixture Madame Lafarge led the Greek chorus in cries of “she’s guilty” as Ms. Bond entered the courtroom.
The judge, who loves kittens and strolls in the moonlight, was quick to ask the defendant her opinion of kittens.
Ms. Bond appeared flustered, offering only the rhetorical, “kittens?” This created a stampede of reporters rushing toward pay phones that were removed from the lobby in 1987.
“Let’s hope for her sake, Day Two goes better than Day One,” wrote Tuffy. There seems a high likelihood tomorrow’s questioning will focus on walks in the moonlight. Ms. Bond has already stated she sprained her ankle during a moonlight stroll several months ago; the Crown will call witnesses who may have seen her limping.
Tags: Looking Like Rush
Posted in Gripping Melodrama | No Comments »
May 26th, 2009
Wellington Leg: A pending court case may clarify the Unlimbaugh Rules once and for all. Our own Tuffy Tuffington reports from courthouse square: Ms. Amanda Bond of Little Wallop finds herself in the crosshairs of the obscure Rush Limbaugh regulations Wellington Leg began enforcing this past weekend. Ms. Bond, a slender brunette, notes on her MySpace page that “she wants a man who knows what she wants before she does.” She thought she had found that man, home plate umpire, Gus of Goth.
Order in the Court: Judge Hamilcar Frist, who “loves kittens and moonlight strolls” will hear the case of Ms. Bond early next week. A Greek Chorus will take the place of a jury to make the trail more entertaining. Her defense? She cannot possibly look like Rush Limbaugh.
Ms. Bond Meets Gus: She submitted this brief to the court: I’d always wanted to meet a man who knew what I wanted before I did. Recently I was in the box seats at Gastropod Stadium watching an endless inning when Gus strolled over and said, “I’ll bet I know what you want. A pitching change.”
Well, I did want a pitching change. How did he know? How could he have known? I don’t remember fidgeting or looking bored, let alone acting like the boorish buffoon in Row Five who threw a taco or a fajita in the direction of the dugout. It would never occur to me to do such a thing. I wouldn’t order a fajita in the first place because they’re so messy, and contain transfats. I’m not sure what transfats are it sounds like a fat on its way to be something else, something far more sinister than regular fats, kind of premeditated as opposed to incidental, like, oh I’m a fat molecule now but just you wait….it makes me think of the Transit Authority with subway cars full of fat globules and I have to wonder what people are thinking when they order food now that the transfat content has to be published. Anyway, your honor, after leaving the ballpark I was hurrying toward my car when these police officers asked me if I knew what Rush Limbaugh looked like. I forgot about the regulation that requires everyone in Wellington Leg to look like Rush on Sunday night. I even had extra pillows in the back of my car, but I forgot those too. By the way, isn’t he bald?
Respectfully,
Amanda Bond
The full transcript of Ms. Bond’s vigorous defense are available on Wellington Court TV .
Posted in The Tuffington Post | No Comments »
May 24th, 2009
Wellington Leg: Frustrated by low pay and work place exploitation some of the Towne’s more ambitious zombies may soon form Local 456 of the Undead and Extremely Pale, sources at city hall report. Wellington Leg is a magnet for some zombies, probably metal ones, although city ordnances discourage zombies from many ordinary activities. For example, it is against the law here in the Leg to walk through walls or crush Volkswagons even if a movie director wants you to.
Demand is High: Unemployment among zombies has remained stable despite a tendency at the big box stores to hire the living. “Let’s face it, we’re in a megatrend here,” says Professor Wigand of the Blago Institute. “The undead are a cultural phenomenon. They deserve a union. The time is now.”
Sunday is Rush Day: Just a reminder that today is Rush day in the Leg. Police have set up roadblocks and are stopping drivers who don’t resemble Rush Limbaugh. “This regulation is tough on women and children,” a city hall official admitted. Four year old Ashley of Goth was arrested last Sunday even though she hopes that President Obama will fail.
“Ashley doesn’t resemble Rush,” said Constable Constable. “She probably shouldn’t have been driving in any case,” he added.
The ban on the Unlimbaugh expires at midnight.
Tags: If It Walks Like a Zombie
Posted in The Earl's Own Advice and Beauty Tips | No Comments »
May 22nd, 2009
Wellington Coconut Works: Problems with the coconut harvest have resulted in a full scale audit by the budget committee, sources at the Historic Rotunda say. The audit team will file a report tomorrow confirming the Towne Council’s worst fears: coconuts do not grow in Wellington Leg. Much of last year’s crop was delivered by parachute by the mysterious BB Cooper. Otherwise, the sum total of coconut production is zero.
When an Exporter is Really an Importer: The Palace has ordered an increase in coconut production this year probably in reaction to skyrocketing prices. A stand of palm trees near the Goth Road Bypass are made of plastic, according to arborist and Grateful Dead scholar Professor Palm. “One expects a low crop of fruit from an artificial tree,” he says. “Hence the need to airlift our coconuts prior to harvest.”
Setting the husks alight: Compounding the problem of low production vandals have been known to set the husks alight for purposes that are difficult to discern. One theory is that by setting the coconuts on fire rival townes create a disgruntled primate population since larger primates enjoy smashing coconuts. “In this case the gorilla in the room is a gorilla,” said Professor Palm. “The Towne Council has been down this road before,” he added. Gorillas frequently attend Towne Council meetings as revealed in a shock piece by Tuffpo. ( See Gorilla Votes With His Feet).
No Middleground? On a recent balmy day in the Leg a Mrs. Norquist of Coconut Grove discovered a flaming husk concealed in an urgent rewrite of her massive tome Gardening Has to Hurt. “My manuscript was on fire,” she said. Luckily for her a sudden squall doused the flames.
Mrs. Norquist took refuge under a Royal Palm.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.
Mr. Love-Handles is a contributor to the Tuffington Post and the virtual newspaper The Druidical & Literary. The paper can be delivered to your door through the miracle of the Earl’s Own Telephony and Dial-Up Service. We squeeze it through your phone line: give the paper several minutes to return to its normal font size, then stir.
Posted in The Tuffington Post | No Comments »
May 16th, 2009
Gastropod Stadium: The annual spring fashion show at the Fighting Gastropods home field turned ugly late Saturday when an errant throw injured a wandering PreRafaelite, sources close to the ground report. The traditional throwing of the first hat marks the beginning of Fashion Week in Wellington Leg. This year the week will be three days long in order to conserve energy.
There was applause from the Royal Box as Boris of Paris crossed the basepaths; this marked the first time that a designer from the outside world, in this case France, was asked to throw the first hat from the pitchers mound into the glove of Miss Wellington Leg whose crown and scepter are the envy of many.
Displaying a high leg kick and strange arm angle Boris of Paris unleashed a pillbox with black veil. The dazzling chapeau eluded Miss Wellington Leg, landing on the head of Alfredo Garcia seated in the first row. Momentarily dazed, Mr.Garcia a distinguished professor of Art, threw a box of popcorn at Boris of Paris.
Both benches emptied before the umpiring crew separated the fashion designers from the painters in attendance. Later, Boris refused to apologize. “I blame Miss Wellington Leg,” he said. “She called for a fast ball.”
Checking the head of Alfredo Garcia: local tree surgeon Bobby Oaks checked Garcia’s wound and signaled thumbs up to the Royal Box.
Tickets to Fashion Week are available at the box office.
T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.
Tags: Beauty and the Beast, Fashion Week
Posted in Page Seven: Scandals, scandals, and midtown traffic | No Comments »
May 13th, 2009
Great Wellington Shores: In an exclusive to the Tuffington Post a long time pirate named Ralph the Red is too discouraged by his career choice to continue pirating. In the hard hitting tradition of the Tuffington Post we ask the tough questions without flinching because if we had flinched Ralph would’ve sensed fear and sensing fear is a pirate’s stock in trade.
Our reporter, Tuffy Tuffington, rips the lid off the pirate game by stationing himself directly in the path of piracy. He spent two shivering nights at Lookout Point with Master of the Watch the 43rd earl. As dozens of pirate ships flaunted their presence in Gastropod Alley, 43 slept in his hammock, his feared broadsword locked away in the sword cupboard. Only once did he awaken. Seeing the mass of pirate ships below he flung open the plantation shutters and began reading aloud from this work in progress….
By the fourth paragraph I could see confusion in the pirate ranks; high in the rigging they checked their IPODS and Kindles, but it was too late. Ralph the Red sailed forth under a white flag begging 43 to stop reading.
Wearing earplugs this reporter withstood the barrage of prose long enough to watch the interlopers sail away and a big ship full of books dock near Eddie’s.
Wellington Leg is saved!
Update: Tuffy’s joy may be premature. The pirates may have stolen Sarah Palin’s memoir: Eddie reports that either the book hasn’t been written yet or Ralph the Red is a Trojan Horse. Either way, he’s bummed.
Tags: Barratry, Letters of the Mart, Piracy
Posted in The Tuffington Post | No Comments »