David Thayer

Wellington Leg: In an alarming report government officials, some of them quite high, are making no bones about it: nonsense production cratered in the first calendar quarter, continuing a trend that began in the fourth quarter of 2008. The report includes not only nonsense but stuff and nonsense a much higher form of output that includes having reporters stand in hurricane force winds lip syncing. In a recent scandal Wellington Leg TV put a reporter in front of a wind machine while he stood in a Fred Flintstone swimming pool. “That was a test,” said WTV Vice President Cheney. “How many times do I have to explain it?”

Controlling the means of production: “While a good deal of nonsense occurs naturally much of it is man-made,” noted Professor Thayer of the Cornright Institute. To demonstrate the professor spoke to a group or flock of pink flamingos who had gathered outside The Pink Flamingo perhaps in the mistaken belief that the group had located an ancient Flamingo habitat in the desert. Eventually the group was turned away by Flamingo Security personnel who, in turn, were let go in the economic downturn. “No one is suggesting cause and effect,” the professor said.

Congress Must Act: Long the staunchest defender of nonsense in the land Congress returns from the Mother’s Day recess in the nick of time. “I think we can get the nonsense quotient to approach the Manny Ramirez level,” a congressional observer said.

In a bit of good news the Flamingo Habitat will now include much of the Historic Rotunda and Perennial Garden.

Tuffy Tuffington reporting.

Wellington Leg: In a coup for the planning committee Mothra has agreed to deliver the opening address at the Literary Faire this August. The retired film star and prehistoric monster is planning a comeback, probably as a Vegas act, so today’s announcement is not a complete surprise. As always Mothra will be accompanied by a pair of singing shobijin; Mothra made her debut in the novel The Luminous Fairies by Takehiko Fukunaga and thus her literary credentials are impeccable.

Jousting To Mark Second Day: On the second day of the Faire contestants on horseback will clash on the Oval. This announcement makes the Forty Third Earl the odds on favorite to capture Best Novel by the Unhorsed, a category some feel is both dangerous and ridiculous. Naysayers point out that the skills required by an author have little to do with jousting or even horse back riding but if the traditionalists have their way the Literary Faire will be shaken by pounding hoofs and the clash of metal and the winner shall have earned their swag. 43 often appears in towne wearing his suit of armor or, at the very least, in helmet and visor. “His helmet now has Bluetooth,” reports dogsbody Urquhart Depew. “He can chat away with his helmet securely in place although he is unable to eat or drink whilst encumbered in a such a manner.”

Meanwhile the proprietor of Eddie’s Book Nook, Eddie himself, remembers Godzilla’s difficulties as a touring author and wonders if inviting Mothra to the Faire is a good idea. “Mothra defeated Godzilla head to head,” Eddie says. “She fires bolts of lightning from her fingers. Not many writers can do that.”

DCI Borchardt reports that the Flying Squad is ready for any contingency. He’s entering the Crime Fiction category with his Wellington Leg Confidential,a novel based loosely on his days with the Constabulary.

The Literary Faire opens August 10th.

Piltdown Exchange: Excitement roiled early trading on the exchange after literary futures rose unexpectedly. At the Live Authors Pit traders doubled down on the survival of the publishing while short sellers ran for the exits. The sudden burst of optimism coincided with the announcement that the forty third earl typed three words in a new manuscript before falling back to sleep.

Hog Wild: Envy hit the neighboring Live Hogs pit where market weight porkers jostled executives for a better view of literary trading. “This is where the action is on the floor,” said pit boss Tweed. “Anytime the earl is back in action you know things are going to be crazy.” Few traders can forget the Hog Rebellion of 2007 when the Piltdown Exchange was rocked by a series of literary frauds. At one point during the revolt the hogs controlled both the freight elevator and the remote control switching channels from CNBC to the Farm Report.

Dead Authors Thriving: Agents and reps got physical over at the Rights Pit where the poet Virgil went on sale shortly after the market opened. Latin poets rose 45 cents while mystery and suspense breached its two hundred day moving average. Regency romance bucked the trend reversing on the news that Queen Victoria is dead and has been for some time.

Nevertheless paranormal and vampire futures endured a triple witching expiration with little blood spilled. A bushel of vampire teeth sold for a new April high forming a contango against the July contract. With the yen strong and the Euro wobbling some of the vampires quit the floor. “I’m out of here,” said Count Vlad. “It’s tap city man,” he added.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.