Blog Orbits Jupiter

April 7th, 2009

Wellington Leg: To the consternation of the nation this blog, this realm, this ethereal wisp was launched into outer space late last week and is currently orbiting the planet Jupiter. While that’s okay for the short term many worry about the future of this thing of ours. Will deep space influence the content? Will a parallax view of literature emerge? At the risk of degrading popular culture toward a tipping point I fear the answer is yes. The content of this blog will be worse than ever due to the effects of zero gravity’s rainbow and a foggy film on the windshield.

Chronicles of 43: From its humble roots as the diary of the 43rd earl this blog has evolved over time to offer the history of Wellington Leg, a towne populated by exiled writers, wannabees, shouldabeens, and hasbeens. Ruled with an iron fist by the Dowager Princess this tiny feudal state is ground zero for the credit crisis thanks to Ms. Fran Wycomb of Clutchingstraws Close. Fran borrowed one thousand dollars for beauty supplies in 2007; her loan, sliced and diced into tranches, brought down the financial system. This enabled a ten year old local student to build her show and tell project My Hedge Fund into the fourth largest financial institution in the world.

Our Pledge to You: Despite the vagaries of space travel the entire staff of One More Bite of the Apple pledges to expose corruption whenever we see it; to be relentless in our search for the eye of Newt that has eluded the mainstream media. But first we must get the defroster working or we won’t be able to see anything. We’re flying blind.
YHS, The staff.

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Colossal Roundtripper Debated

March 23rd, 2009

Wellington Leg: The forty third earl struck an enormous blow this spring training by smacking the longest home run in history, sources claim. The home run traveled more than three thousand feet clearing the HI Mom sign in dead center field with ease. The historic baseball landed in central Wellington Close before bouncing into a bowl of vichyssoise at the toney Hotel Faz Cafe. Diners fled in panic until maitre d Little Ricky announced the soup was on the house.

His Hickory Bat: The earl unveiled an eighty four ounce hickory bat in his first trip to the plate; he swung at the first offering from the Duchess who kicked the dirt in disgust when she heard the crack of the bat. “That was a warmup pitch,” she said. “43 was still in the ondeck circle.”

Monumental Blast: Fresh from winter ball in Newfoundland 43 looked relaxed as he hauled Big Hickory from the equipment bag. With the aid of several onlookers 43 hefted the mighty club briefly resting Big Hickory on his shoulders before collapsing. A small crane provided by the Economic Recovery Act lifted 43 upright just as the Duchess completed her windup. This proved fortuitous as the nine foot bat connected shortly before the earl fell over a second time, no doubt swept away by the sheer momentum he generated.

Mickey Mantle held the previous record with a 660 foot shot. Babe Ruth and Ted Williams went deep over 600 feet but none of those great players ever hit a bowl of soup in a trendy bistro with one their prodigious blows.

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Exchequer Porfolio Swap Approved

March 13th, 2009

House of Gourds: The august upper chamber has given treasury and exchequer officials a reason for cheer: from now on they can forget about money. From now on they’re in charge of college basketball. “We realize how depressed these people were becoming,” said First Gourd Graf Rafferty. “We thought, let’s throw some new people into the financial crisis, people who are fresh and probably broke.”

Kansas Suffers: The Jayhawks men’s team suffered a first round loss in the Big 12 tourney. Part of the blame falls on the officiating crew who only days earlier worked for Treasury. “Well, we warned the point guards that we’d modify the three point line but only if a reasonable alternative presented itself, a blend of private initiative and public policy that might insure some consistency,” said referee JM Keynes. “In the end we will all die and these scores won’t matter all that much,” he added.

Atlantic Ten powerhouse Xavier fared better as the officiating crew replaced the scoreboard with the Philadelphia SOX Index. “We carefully weighted the performance of each player on each team and concluded that LaSalle, Duquesne, and Fordham had no chance of winning the tournament,” a Treasury official commented. “Forget St, Joe’s and GW.”

Syracuse Faces Sanctions: TARP officials may sanction Syracuse because of their six overtime win over UCONN. “That game took too long,” said an unnamed source. As noted in the FOMC minutes “Basketball games shall remain within the confines of their allotted duration, that is to say during regulation.” Clearly the unregulated Orange missed opportunities to put the Huskies away but opted instead to prolong the agony.

March Madness: In a related decision the Minnesota Supreme Court has ruled that Niagara University will play Canisius for the national championship April 1st. All twelve fed governors will referee the contest. “This will save a lot of energy,” Speaker Pelosi said. She’s privately rooting for the Purple Eagles.

Sports and Finance Editor Al “Boom-Boom” Greenspan reporting.

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Incessant Nibbling to be Outlawed

March 12th, 2009

Wellington Leg: What do baseball and Wall Street have in common with literature? Cub reporter Tuffy Tuffington is going to answer that question in a series aptly titled: Nibbling Has Got to Stop!
The editorial board of the Druidical & Literary would like to thank Bernie’s Haus of Sox for sponsoring the series; remember at Bernie’s Haus of Sox you can spell words any way you want. Here then the Tuffington Post. Well, before we start let me just say that the Tuffington Post is no way a satirical look at the Huffington Post. Huffpo is much larger than Tuffpo with an incredible audience in the United States and abroad. Tuffpo is read by a handful of Brazilian oil service workers and a Chinese admiral. No one invites Tuffy to the Larry King show. No one thinks about offshore drilling or the Chinese Navy probably because the global economy is disintegrating. That’s our niche and we’re proud to fill it.

Tuffy got the idea for his series after a dream about Newt Gingrich in which Newt, dressed as Santa, urged Tuffy to stop nibbling around the edges and cut loose a few fastballs.
Thus with Newt as pitching coach and Santa Tuffy took the idea outside near his modest apartment complex just off Pink Panda Place. After chalking out a strike zone on a handy brick wall, Tuffy spent a largely fruitless hour designing a pitcher’s mound out of discarded newspapers and their employees. Once he was set Tuffy encountered an actual Santa on his way home from work. Mistaking the passerby for Newt Tuffy called a greeting only to be pummeled by the man and suffering a bruised rib.

A mighty wind blew the pitcher’s mound away while health care reformers studied Tuffy’s damaged rib suggesting he might find better care in France or Malaysia. This seemed daunting so Tuffy went back inside rebooted and found this phrase typed on his computer: Incessant Nibbling to be Outlawed.

Beginning to suspect that a blitz attack by Santa was no coincidence Tuffy began exploring the hidden costs of incessant nibbling by observing the ebb and flow at a nearby Dunkin Donuts. Thus inspired Tuffy went back into the field ever vigilant for angry men in red, and filed this report:

Next week we’ll have Tuffy’s actual report unless a certain someone hits the delete key again.

Your faithfully,

The Staff.

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Nanobots Set to Strike

March 8th, 2009

Wellington Leg: According to the authoritative Nano News a strike vote has set the stage for a walkout scheduled to begin sometime after midnight. The chief negotiator for the Wellington Leg Nano Cooperative, Erhardt Crisp, has warned the Privy Council that the nanobots are serious this time and want to join the Teamsters Union. “They want to drive tiny trucks into tiny places where large trucks cannot go,” Mr. Crisp said. “They want to frequent miniature truck stops and drink coffee; they want to watch Smokey and the Bandit.”

It’s a Very Small World: Nanobots and NanoWorkers were assigned to repair roads under Wellington Leg’s Economic Stimulus package according to shift foreman Gus of Goth. “It was windy yesterday and my entire nano crew wound up sixty miles away in a chestnut tree. I mean, these nano guys are small, okay? It takes about three million of them to polish off a Big Mac.”

One Square Inch at a Time: Nano bridge building crews have completed a one inch section of the First Avenue Extension not far from Fran’s Haus of Beauty the epicenter of the credit crunch. Readers will recall than Fran’s one thousand dollar loan caused CitiGroup to collapse. “Enough already about CitiGroup,” Fran said. “I’m trying to style some nano hair over here.”

A Basket Full of Kittens: Even before the news of A-Rod’s impending hip surgery foremen such as Gus were having difficulty managing the nanobots. “My full size Ram truck carries about sixty million of these guys; every time I stop for a light they scatter to the four winds ( are there only four? I thought there more) I spend half my day running around looking for these guys,” Gus complained. “That ain’t very stimulative,” he added.

Better Working Conditions: Nanites enjoy their own cafeteria while Nanobots fend for themselves at enormous vending machines. “They form nano chains to reach the coin slot but the quarters are way too big. Plus if they can get the quarter into the machine they are a Snickers bar away from catastrophe.”

Organizers predict that the nano vote will be close: “We think a few Cat hats ought to cheer them up,” said Erhart Crisp. “One hat ought to cover about forty million nanobots.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Wellosaurus May Be Fake

March 3rd, 2009

Wellington Leg: “Welly” a four and a half ton lizard running loose upon the land may not be an actual dinosaur. The Wellosaurus, believed to be relative of the Allosaurus, recently stepped on the roof of a taxicab near the Wellington Aerodrome. Cab driver Busby “Buzz” Busby had parked his cab near the Donut Kiosk; he was striding toward the dozen glazed donuts he had preordered on the Internet when he heard the sound of metal being crushed.

At first he thought nothing of it. Buzz is a veteran driver whose hack license can be traced back to the Hapsburg or Hohenzollern Ascendancy. When he heard the primordial trumpeting of a Jurassic Period Beast he knew that the monster had stomped his cab flat.

Dinosaurs Are Territorial: The Wellosaurus may have mistaken Busby Busby for a smaller grazing dinosaur that feeds off plants and jelly donuts. DCI Borchardt and the Flying Squad are performing forensic tests on the cab’s pancaked frame and have interviewed not only Busby Busby but eye-witness Bisby Busby no relation to Busby Busby. “Bisby claims that he saw a Wellosaurus shopping for toothpaste last Thursday at the Prince of Denmark Shopping Centre. We’re reviewing security video,” Borchardt said.

Good for the Economy? Most townes are feeling the pinch of declining economic activity so having an actual dinosaur running loose may be a boon. The Privy Council has ordered the Flying Squad to establish once and for all if the Wellosaurus is real; they hope to attract the attention of national media outlets but only if the mighty creature is genuine. “No one wants another fake dinosaur story,” notes Borchardt.

Both Busby and Bisby Busby, no relation, have canceled plans to flee in panic. Busby has tickets to the Gastropods game tonight. “They’re playing the Federal Reserve,” Busby said. “Let’s hope that the Wellosaurus is not a baseball fan,” he said.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Powdered Wig Production Ramping Up

February 26th, 2009

The Historic Rotunda: Legians cheered a surprise visit from the Dowager Princess at Powdered Wig Factory Number Five on Nabob Avenue. The princess, resplendent in a designer frock designed by the Fighting Gastropods closer Andy Niles, handed out Feudalism Now bumper stickers and knocked back a few beers with selected serfs and vassals. Accompanied by the Consort Royal, the Princess aimed a few barbs at the President of France: “I demand that the French government cede the Gironde region to me,” she said to scattered cheers. “Don’t make come to Paris,” she added.

Our Military Might: “We’re still looking to replace General Herb,” a palace spokesperson said. “We’ve got the earl, of course, and the garrison near Octopus point. We have our slingers and really big pile of rocks in case the French invade again.”

That’s Not a Powdered Wig, that’s Senator Chris Dodd: “Sooner or later the new administration of President Obama will have to deal with the Dowager Princess,” said Count Vlad, part time left fielder and full time political adviser to the Palace. “Congress will wear powdered wigs whenever they deliberate the issues of the day. Only Senator Chris Dodd gets a free pass on the wig; Wellington Leg has five powdered wig factories operating at full capacity. You want a wig? You talk to us.”

Her Bellicose Nature: Large nations tremble when the Dowager Princess rattles her saber: Dunkin Donuts Night Manager Eddy the Beast recalls the time when she stopped by at three am to order profiteroles. “It was like, wow, the princess, and what’s a profiterole? We had to call Milan to find out what she wanted.” Milan is where Dunkin maintains its international headquarters.

Some Doubt the Strategy: “Wellington Leg must acknowledge that demand destruction is a factor in the wig race,” said Professor Moriarty. “We have hundreds of wigs in storage, but precious few buyers. Of course the wisdom of the Dowager Princess is not in question here. After all she predicted the profiterole shortage way back in 2006.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for the Wig Newsletter.

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Whig Response Somewhat Muted

February 25th, 2009

Wellington Leg: The Whig Party’s response to President Obama’s speech last night is still being written sources tell the Druidical & Literary. Indeed the heavy lifting for the Whigs falls on the forty third earl whose plasma big screen television is on the fritz. Whig Maintenance recommends kicking electronic devices when they malfunction but the manual fails to indicate where to kick the big screen. Fortunately the President’s speech is available at the local drive in whose really big screen is viewable from the Dunkin Donuts parking lot on Irrational Exuberance Boulevard.

His First Impressions: As viewed from the roof of a Buick Six, the earl notes that none of the assembled dignitaries wore their ceremonial powdered wigs. “The forty third earl will no doubt decry this breach in decorum,” says Urquhart Depew embittered dogsbody and victim of medical record keeping. Depew was switched at birth with the earl in a tragic case of obsolescence, malfeasance, and baby blankets of similar color and heft. “Mine was blue,” Depew says in his memoir. “So was his.”

Undoing the Louisiana Purchase: As regular readers can attest the Whig Party is opposed to the Louisiana Purchase; while the US and France did all right in the deal, Wellington Leg lost control of large swaths of territory. Neither President Obama nor Governor Jindal mentioned the Dowager Princess and her claims to the Missouri Territory. “Let’s face it,” Depew says. “Might makes right.”

Powdered or Sugared? The earl is working on an energy independence plan that captures escaping gases formed by the Slush Pile. “As these orphaned manuscripts age they form a biomass of frustration; by simply attaching a hose to the bottom of the pile energy flows to a gathering point called a Vortex. Here in Wellington Leg we have several of these vortexes monitored carefully by Vulcanologists who came here from Vulcan for this very purpose.”

At the conclusion of the President’s speech the earl will race across Towne to deliver his rebuttal and pick up his dry cleaning. If the dry cleaner’s is open we should have the full text of 43′s speech in time for the D&L’s afternoon edition.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Literary Faire Facing Changes

February 23rd, 2009

Wellington Leg: The annual Literary Faire is undergoing a major revamp, sources tell the Druidical & Literary. This year’s extravaganza will be held during the summer according to the French Revolution calendar hanging in the earl’s garage, perhaps in Germinal or Floreal. “The losers in each categories will be guillotined,” said a spokesperson for Chaire of the Faire, Prudentia Chalfont-Smythe. “We hope that the forty third earl will lose,” she added. “His head in a basket would suit us just fine.”

Despite the passive voice sentence construction observers believe that Chalfont-Smythe is serious this time about asserting literary hegemony throughout the Bailiwick of Leg, the adjoining Vale of the White Mouse, indeed as far as the eye can see. With Poetry Futures hovering near the flat line on the Piltdown Exchange many believe that now is the time for “an overthrow of the literary establishment.” Traders at the Live Writers Pit have lost millions in recent weeks as both stockage and bondage fell through the floor. Not since the ill-fated live cattle auction last fall have so many frittered away so much so fast.

43 to Face Gargantua? Complicating matters for the earl is the challenge of defending his title against Rabelaisian Pretender Gargantua. Whispers about the challenge became louder than that, louder than a whisper, perhaps a murmur, after Chalfont-Smythe invited Gargantua over for tea late yesterday afternoon. While their discussions were held in strictest confidence reporters from the Wellington Leg World Service speculate that the tea party may have been a shot across the bow or a slap in the face or even a long walk off a short pier since Gargantua took a bit of a tumble after tripping over a cardboard likeness of the earl. Luckily his fall was broken by an assemblage of paparazzi concealed in the garden.

Guillotine Construction May be Stimulative: As a sidebar to the main story our own Tuffy Tuffington has been all over Hizzoner’s pledge to hire local workers in the Great Guillotine Reconstruction Program launched recently at the Guild Hall. “The project is hammer ready,” Tuffy reports from his vantage point on the ceiling of the Historic Rotunda. Eventually fourteen of the devices will roll off the assembly line, ready for export.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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Earl to Defend Title

February 21st, 2009

Wellington Leg: In a stunning turn of events the Druidical & Literary has learned that the 43rd Earl will defend his title against a Usurper from Utica. At stake is the rank of chevalier, the duties of Champion of the Leg, the right to wear the distinctive chevron of Herself Fanning Herself and the forbearance of the Piggy Bank in all matters financial. “43 has a lot riding on this,” noted Professor Moriarty, the man often accused of killing Sherlock Holmes. “He’s been Champion since orchestrating a ghastly reenactment of Henry the Fifth’s victory at Agincourt. What began as Shakespeare in the Park soon devolved into a shooting war with France and Wales.”

43 Caught Napping? Little is known of the Usurper but the D&L has learned on an exclusive basis that no one checked into the Hotel Faz last night. However a press conference has been scheduled for 3pm to coincide with both Question Time and Nap Time at the Historic Rotunda.

Have You Seen the Usurper? “It is probable that the Usurper from Utica will seek to disguise his presence in Wellington Leg,” Professor Moriarty continued. “Most Usurpers clatter into Towne aboard massive steeds many hands high brandishing lances and demanding satisfaction.”

One possible suspect is Gargantua. He and his son Pantagruel are in towne for the annual peasant tossing contest at the Faire Grounds and Oval. Gargantua has retained the services of the Mothra Removal Service, Wellington Leg’s premier public relations firm. “If Gargantua wanted to be Champion,” said an MRS press release. “He’d already be the champ.”

For his part Pantagruel was observed sneering near the Statue of the Earl on Horseback. With no word from the Palace at this writing it remains unclear whether the Dowager Princess would approve of a new Champion. It is known that she passed the evening watching NFL Highlights from a Forgotten Era after destroying her Privy Council at Texas Hold ‘em.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

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