David Thayer

Wellington Leg: Not far from the Imperial Bunker Wellington Leg Defense forces launched a counterattack designed to drive the disabled invaders from home soil. With Wellbryds in the lead the home side hefted their pitchforks and donned their protective head gear on loan from the Fighting Gastropods. Buoyed by the latest Tuffington Post and by martial music blaring from the Royal Hi Fi things looked good until the force marched onto the Alderspike Highway where one of the men in the lead formation saw a “really big spider.”

How Big is Really Big? For a towne that has confronted Godzilla at a book signing a spider conjures no fear among local residents. None of the “Wellbryds” who are really oxen with mirrors taped to their heads, seemed alarmed despite their aversion to most arachnids. “Wellbryds get excellent mileage but tend to rear or stall when a spider enters their field of vision,” explained Professor Moriarity. “Half ton Chevy pickups have the edge in this regard,” he added.

Scouts Disagree: With the column halted Prinz Eugen ordered literary scouts to ride forth into the brush and bramble in search of the spider in question. A Russian artillery barrage may have killed the spider according to the lead scout Mr. Hazy. “I saw a bomb crater the size of bathtub, man,” he said. Spiders are notorious for their enjoyment of bathtubs but in this case none were visible.

Summoning the Earl: Exhausted from autographing hundreds of armored vehicles the forty third earl nevertheless interrupted his middle nap to search for the spider. It should be noted that middle nap is a crucial time for the earl since his most creative ideas occur shortly after he wakes up. Sources say he invented the Wellbryd after one such nap inspired by the arrival in his garden of a solitary mirrored ox.

Until the spider is located an informal truce is in effect.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: Seeking an exciting new angle on the Russian invasion D&L reporter Tuffy Tuffington has been studying Cyrillic spam and the war’s effect on global stock markets. Tuffy is imbedded with motorized units of Russian infantry as they prowl the countryside rooting out potential enemies. One such encounter is detailed here in a Special Tuffington Post smuggled out of the combat zone by angry supporters of Hillary Clinton. Portions of the text have been deleted by military censors others redacted to prevent revanchist running dogs from subverting the truth. Tuffy is disguised as a fourteen year old Chinese gymnast for purposes not entirely clear to this reporter. Here, then, the Tuffington Post:

Wow, these shoes are tight. I should have brought an extra pair but I wasn’t sure how many pairs of shoes a Chinese gymnast might carry into a combat zone. You know sometimes you try on shoes and you’re wearing thick socks then you get them home and put on thin socks and the fit is all wrong. I think that’s what happened here among the mechanized infantry units approaching Alpha. Some of the soldiers are asking me questions in Chinese…I should have thought this disguise through a little bit better.

Though italicized for emphasis this passage hardly begins to describe the plundering of Alpha. Tuffy continues:

I am concealed behind a main battle tank as we approach Alpha. The Russians are congratulating me on the gold medal in gymnastics, setting up some uneven bars for me to demonstrate my gymnastic ability. This is going to be a crucial test for me and if I win their trust I’ll be accepted in the unit. I’ve got to stick the landing, I know that. Stick the landing. Even in these shoes.

Wish me luck, Tuffy Tuffington.

Carthago Nova: The Russian Invasion ground to a halt near this picturesque village in the Vale of the White Mouse. The lead column of tanks and armored vehicles suffered during an encounter with the forty third earl who, according to witnesses, defaced every tank with his swift orange Sharpie. “He was a whirling dervish,” said former D&L Intern Heather Demedici. “He made orange marks on all their stuff.”

Geraldo’s Account: “The Russians drove west for three kilometers before the earl galloped into view. He dismounted and appeared to taunt the invaders with some sort of poetry reading…then he rushed forward with his Sharpie and began scribbling on the lead tank. He darted between the tanks leaving a similar mark before vanishing into a fog bank…”

Boris Bemused? Colonel General Commander Field Marshall Boris Dustov inspected a total of fifty tanks before concluding that the orange markings were actually an autograph. “I think he has signed our tanks making them unreturnable and voiding their warranty,” Dustov said. New armor will move to the front but the day is lost. “We will camp here,” Dustov said.

A Police Matter: Carthago Nova has a strict No Camping ordinance. Mrs. Edna Mayhew of Pouncing Primate Close filed a police report complaining that “Russian troops are camping and creating a nuisance.” Fortified with a warrant DCI Borchardt bicycled from Towne to commence an immediate investigation. However he suffered a flat tire en route to the scene leaving his bicycle to continue on foot. Borchardt noticed his police slicker had an orange mark on the sleeve. “The earl has gone too far,” he fumed.

The Russians fired a salvo from their field guns at the disappearing figure of the earl. “I think we got him,” Dustov said. The Field Marshall held a copy of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA high in his hand. “You want rumble, Mister Earl? Come and get it.”

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Great Wellington Aerodrome: On a slow news day the Mother of all the Russias sent armored columns to crush the breakaway republic of Wellington Leg. Notified of the hostilities The Dowager Princess dispatched riders from the Imperial Messenger Service to raise the alarm and alert the media. The Palace issued the following statement: “Wellington Leg will not roll over before the might of the Russias. Herself is both aggravated and aggrieved, anxious and anticipatory. However once her champion, The Earl, awakens from his slumber, he will punish the invaders as is his custom.”

Media Response: Wellington Leg TV gathered its most attractive anchor people to an emergency meeting during the Miss Wellington Beauty Pageant. “If the Russians disrupt our pageant we’re going to complain to Miss Universe,” vowed Anchor Tom Teeth. “Lots of people have spent lotsa time on personal grooming. We can’t look this good and cover a war.”

CNN declined to cover the invasion citing a sex scandal that ended two years ago but is still compelling TV journalism. What did Hillary Clinton know of the Edwards Affair? What would she have done if she had known? Why didn’t someone call her at three am to tell her?

The Earl Awakens: Understanding the post Soviet attitude toward aristocrats the Earl cut short his morning nap ordering his batmen to assemble his fearsome fighting attire. Borrowing from John McCain the earl shadow boxed in front of the mirror frightening a manservant. “Those Russians better run,” said Urquhart Depew. “The Earl is awake!”

Our Forces Mass: The Wellington Defense Force cheered as the earl mounted his trusty steed Mrs. Peel, and hefted his bright orange Sharpie. He used the Sharpie and a telestrator to outline his plan to blunt the Russian advance. A live video of the display is on its way to Moscow. “Let Catherine the Great download the streaming video,” he cried as his troops cheered.

A copy of the video is speeding toward CNN’s Atlanta headquarters.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting from the field.

Prince of Denmark Shopping Centre: Wellington Leg’s indie film industry is profiling their new releases this weekend at the Octoplex. Under federal mandate Wellington Leg must produce a new movie every three days or risk losing important government subsidies. Director of Mall Security Vlad wants to remind everyone that the No Candy from Outside will be strictly enforced and may include indiscriminate aerial bombardment. Here then, the program:

Play Musty for Me: A Seattle realtor is killing her competition with chocolate chip cookies laced with octopus poison. Police become suspicious when her late model Hummer emerges from Elliot Bay with a condo from the Cretaceous Period offering no money down. Some violence and improbable dinosaur references.

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore Although Her Mail Still Comes: Darkly Danish the futuristic story features a Beverley Hills realtor killing his competition with Remodeling Glue. Police become suspicious after his late model Hummer is overcome by fumes. Subtitled. Four hours long.

Fachwerk Orange: South Florida developers are turning orange and no one knows why. After a Boca Raton minimart bursts into flames police turn to nine year old computer hacker Bosh LaBosh who locates the mad Doctor Orange twenty thousand leagues under the sea. Parents are strongly cautioned but everyone else should be fine.

Colonel Kangaroo and the Valley of Death: Newly promoted Kangaroo leads a team of forensic scientists through seventy pages of Cheesecake Factory’s menu before ordering Buffalo Wings. Highly introspective. Featuring Bosh LaBosh and a flotilla of calories. Kangaroo faces the prospect of plummeting oil prices and a menu more complex than Das Kapital.

Check the Druidical & Literary for show times.

Wellington Leg: Further evidence of the Martian Menace was revealed today after Amazon Home Delivery arrived at the Mars Lander with a delivery. “The fact that they’ve opened an account with Amazon indicates they are adapting to life in Wellington Leg,” said noted authority Snidely Whiplash. Mr. Whiplash is a retired entertainment industry figure who correctly predicted the entry of Paris Hilton into the presidential race.

Klatu Does the Shopping: Delivery driver “K” told this reporter “he was scared to death” making the routine stop in Centennial Park. “This was a big order and I asked the space monster for a major credit card or something. That red eye opened and scanned me into his retinal field.”

Festive Lighting: Among the items ordered were an array of red and blue light bulbs probably intended for Klatu’s internal laser system. Mindy from West Seattle theorized that the different color light bulbs may reflect Klatu’s mood: “Sometimes he’s all red and stuff and wants to destroy. Then he turns blue.” Amazon Lightbulbs doesn’t stock green ones, and tried delivering yellow bulbs as a substitute. Rumors of a pink bulb proved unfounded although “Bubble Gum Cloud” is in stock and available now.

Books Included: Klatu ordered Edward Wright’s DAMNATION FALLS and a copy of Jasper Fforde’s TUESDAY NEXT. “I think he wants to be an Amazon reviewer,” said Eddie Parker of Eddie’s Book Nook. Eddie has his own delivery service and is anxious to develop the Martian account. “Klatu reads a book every forty five seconds,” Eddie said. “He just devoured Sports Illustrated.”

Citizens Cautioned: Although Amazon delivery driver “K” appears to be fine the encounter with Klatu has altered his political affiliations. “Before I was like indifferent or whatever,” he confided. “Now I’m a Whig.”

As luck would have it our own Forty Third Earl is the Whig candidate for President.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: What follows is not the hard hitting journalism you’ve become accustomed to here at One More Bite of the Apple. Our Op-Ed page is open to anyone who lives in Wellington Leg, owns or plans to own an exotic bird, and enjoys access to the Internet through the Earl’s Own Telephony and Dial-Up Service or two tin cans and an RSS feed. As a note of caution some of the text is written in HTML. You may wish to don your three d glasses before proceeding.

This Day in Politics: It’s becoming increasingly clear that John McCain is angling for a spot on the Obama ticket as Obama’s Vice President. Advantages of an Obama-McCain dream ticket are considerable. Once together the Obama-McCain team can run ads against Ralph Nader, a third party candidate whose credentials speak for themselves. They can run attack ads on Ron Paul who may or may not be in the race, but whose ideas appeal to youthful voters. Or Obama-McCain can opt to do nothing at all except take in a Cubs game together, sing during the seventh inning stretch, and wave to the crowd. When it comes to throwing out the first pitch, Obama can defer to McCain or they can alternate in a lefty righty middle innings wipeout of a flailing Mitt Romney.

Meeting in the Middle: Voters of all stripes will find Obama-McCain an unbeatable combo this fall. On election night Larry King will get to bed at a decent hour while Florida’s Secretary of State can rest easy, maybe go fishing. Our own Dowager Princess, not a fan of democracy, will offer Obama-McCain her territories in Michigan as a gesture of good faith.

Drilling Program: Mrs. Candace O’Hare of Colgate Hill struck a natural gas seam two thousand feet below her rutabaga patch. Under an Obama-McCain administration Mrs. O’Hare would have exclusive mineral rights to her land, receive a very large TV (VLTV) win a week with the earl and have an airport named after her. Mrs. O’Hare is recruiting roughnecks to drill in Burnham Wood where paranormal investigators located John McCain’s campaign strategy earlier this week near a rove of streaming video.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting for Politics on Monday.

Wellington Leg: Researchers at the Big Box Institute near Goth are close to perfecting a writing pill, sources say. The pill was tested on mice writing memoirs and novels. A startling 67% of the mice thought they had finished writing a book, 23% said they almost finished 4% thought Paris Hilton is running for president and one mouse refused to make any comment at all. Mice with writers block were forced into a lengthy discussion of the Mets bullpen. 11% of those mice thought that Paris Hilton is a current member of the Mets roster.

Human Testing: Since 670,000 mice broke out of the laboratory over the weekend various other creatures have been given the Writers Pill according to Doc Holliday who administers the program. Rabbits did extremely well with a solid 56% believing they were typing when they were actually dozing, another 18% enjoying the Colbert Report while many others facing their fear of Elmer Fudd for perhaps the first time.

A Simple Plan: To round up the escaped mice sheriff’s deputies staked out Minnie’s a local bar noted for its tiny treadmills and test tube shooters. To enhance their vigilance the deputies and assorted volunteers were given the Writer’s Pill and a straight shot of Jack Daniels. A whopping 71% of those polled believed they had arrested the runaway mice, 12% said Barack Obama is a Muslim while a troubling 44% reported difficulty counting that many mice.

One Pill Makes You Larger: The Writing Pill has several side effects. Book reviewers turn up their noses at books written by mice especially when the book isn’t written. Oprah is not interested and for many life outside the lab is simply too demanding. The Re-Write Pill can reverse some of the effects but so far only 14% of the subjects believe they are rewriting.

There is a large reward for the capture of the runaway mice.

T. Tex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: Apparently the earl’s luggage exceeded weight limits as the great blue whale expelled the author of VOLTAIRE’S MIASMA along with the suite of furniture he rode in on. Local residents complained of furniture “falling from the sky” in numerous phone calls to the Flying Squad. Constable Constable was on duty late last night when the initial call came in: “I was three blocks from Dunkin Donuts when I got the squeal,” he wrote. “A gentleman complained that his Schnauzer was forging an Amazon review on an antique escritoire.”

Pre-Rafaelite Doodling? Constable is also Wellington PD’s resident sketch artist. He displayed his rendering of the Schnauzer: “As you can plainly see the dog is posting an anonymous review…his paws are poised over the keyboard in a furtive manner. He is listening to a police scanner.”

Louis Quatorze in the dog house? Police recovered a massive and ornate “secretaire” from the Schnauzer’s palatial dog house. “It is very probably the object of art that the earl rode to safety after being launched homeward by the whale,” noted Professor Moriarity. “One supposes a parabolic longitudinal aspect to his dramatic reentry.”

Allegedly “Parnassus”the dog in question seized control of the blog One More Bite of the Apple making a series of entries that called into question whether humans can read or write. Fortunately while trying to press enter with his chin Parnassus  struck eject and was launched skyward before coming to rest on Mrs. Ahearn’s prize winning antimacassar.  Parnassus enjoyed a glass of Jameson’s and a game of scrabble before the Flying Squad arrived.

Constable Constable drew a portrait of Parnassus before taking him into custody.

“The skies over Wellington Leg are furniture free,” Constable said.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.

Wellington Leg: Unable to attract the actual candidates the Wellington Leg Historical Society sponsored a debate between surrogates for Barack Obama and John McCain during the seventh inning stretch of the Fighting Gastropods most recent thriller. Obama and McCain met on the pitching mound where the forty third earl recited the ground rules not only for the debate but foul line and white chalk issues that lulled the crowd into a stupor, sources say.

Little John Strikes first: Perhaps over eager McCain tackled the earl while he was droning on about balks. The earl in full umpire regalia is not easily toppled but the feisty Arizona senator got the better of his opponent applying a half nelson, full nelson and Admiral Nelson before Obama could react. McCain vaulted the pitching rubber with the earl in a headlock while Obama reached for the resin bag.

Inexperienced in Brawls? McCain showed plenty of vigor as he circled the bases in a golfcart while Obama tried to mediate an immediate end to the bench clearing rhubarb. Obama sparred with Gastropods manager Tuffy Tuffington in shallow center field, territory McCain claimed as he zoomed in from right.

Historical Society Denies Blame: “Perhaps the central figure in this debacle is the forty third earl,” said Anatoly Romanov. “Since when does the home plate umpire venture beyond the pitching mound? Why would he pursue and tussle with a senior citizen?”

It’s Not Uncommon: Former Soviet Premier Leonid Breshnev is said to have to wrestled with umpires well into his golden years. Many observers expressed the feeling that the McCain surrogate went “off message” and failed to expound on his views regarding alternate side of the street parking regulations.

Senator Obama wants the definition of alternate side of the street expanded to include avenues, boulevards, and dual carriageways. Senator McCain advocates festival rules, a position endorsed by the Tow Truck Drivers of Wellington Bailiwick.

The forty third earl reported damage to his clicker, a mechanical device used to keep track of balls and strikes. “There goes half the strike zone,” Manager Tuffington fumed.

T. Rex Love-Handles reporting.